At the time she said this, I was visiting her while she was
in a clinic healing from a long year of unyielding work. She owned a company that
educated preschool children and she had grown weary attempting the
international travel necessary to oversee her expansion. Probably due to her
condition, I regrettably didn’t pay much heed to her current wisdom or ramblings in general.
I knew she was in pain and talking was a welcomed distraction. She had just
finished writing a book about her life and although I was fascinated with her
accomplishment, I wasn’t to think about our discussion again until many years
later.
I was debating blocking a friend on Facebook for what I felt was an increasingly common
tactic of “toeing the line” in a comment. He took a wishy-washy stance when
commenting on a very precise action. I called him on it and he deflected. This
has happened in the past so many times with him (and others) that something
inside me finally snapped. I repeated my accusation and asked him to clarify.
He deflected again. I kept it up until he sent me a private message asking me
how I could confront him in public? Perhaps I already knew how he felt about
the subject and he asked why I would force him to make a statement in front of
others. His unwillingness to take a public stance left him free to befriend
anyone on both sides of the argument, I supposed. Why should he have to choose
right or wrong in front of anyone? His “mysteriousness” was a tact that helped
him feel accepted. To me, this was not an acceptable way to answer a direct
question and my expectation was very different. I expected him to put himself
out there and allow me the chance to respond based on his truthful answer. He
expected my response to be based on his deflection -I believe-to keep him in
better standing with the public that
was listening in. Thus, not wanting to play this game with him any longer, I
blocked him.
I believe I kept digging because at that very moment, I
created an expectation. It wasn’t an expectation that would force him to feel
as I felt or share my opinion. Rather, I was expecting him to truthfully define and convey his opinion to me so that I could create a response to his honesty. I also felt I reserved the
right to choose who this person would be to me in our future dealing based on
his position. He could be someone with whom I wanted to align myself, someone
I wanted to avoid or someone who became indifferent to me either way. But I felt that his
deflection was a safely construed power play to take away my right to choose. I needed all the information to move forward
one way or the other so he couldn’t allow me to have it without facing
consequences which might make either of us feel uncomfortable.
I think what this amazing, gently aged author was trying to tell me
during our discussion was that I can easily take my power to choose back when I
change my expectations. I was expecting someone to answer a question. They
chose not to answer. In reflection,
this form of not answering seems disrespectful to me and makes me think about
how I should judge a participant within a discussion. It does not give me the
power to force them to respond. It leaves me with the power to expect something in return for my own personal honesty.
So, I accept this. He is a friend with whom "further" discussion is
denied. He will only continue when he feels it is appropriate. He will continue
to expect to discuss topics with me but at his pace and discretion. Do I need
such a friend? This type of person tries my patience and creates an imbalanced
friendship where I feel controlled.
If my expectation is that my friends will enjoy discussions
from time to time, then no… he will not
be a friend. If my expectation is that it is not necessary to have balanced discussions,
open honesty is too raw, then possibly. Can I have discussions that turn into confrontation and “agree
to disagree?” Do I expect to glean something with each discussion? Is there a
controlling factor underlying the proposed discussion? Is the answer at least
an attempt at honesty and
All of these questions can be answered when I decide what my
personal expectations entail. Creating and defining my own expectations is no
easy task and I can see it adjusting itself often as new factors come into
play. I will be more aware that other people are constantly creating
expectations and will try not to influence them. You alone should “own” what
you expect.
When I find the true expectations that are most important to
me, I think facebook will fall into place with less aggravation and
frustration. I hope I can convince others to be honest with me about their
expectations also. In the end, it will be a lot less confusing. …at least for
me.
