It had been three years since their wedding and a year since
her hospital stay and she felt as though the sun was shining on her again,
finally. Everything she felt confident about had been shattered when she was
struck ill and it was still a blur how time had passed. She remembered the day
like it was yesterday; her weakness, the pounding in her chest, the fear that
quickly set in and latched on with a vengeance; the ambulance ride, the murmuring
and then the total darkness. But the craziness was resolved and she was
grateful to have heeded her mother's advice to "wear clean underwear
because you never know when you'll end up in an accident." But it wasn't an accident. It was just her
and her co-worker, sitting at their desks when she was stricken. And it wasn't
a vehicle that hit her but a blood clot,
of unknown origin. And even though they hadn't actually seen a blood
clot as evidence, the best physicians felt pretty confident that this was a one-time
incident and once cleared, would not return.
She believed
them because she trusted confidence. She trusted it when she was a cheerleader being tossed high into the air. She trusted it when she decided on colleges and
she was thankful when it lead her to the school where she met her beloved soul
mate who would become her husband. Except for being tired today, she was a picture
of health and now a new mother-to-be and looking forward to holding her little
one in her arms.
Her early
months were uneventful and all her markers were hit right on time and as her mother
was out every day, shopping for the new baby,
she was content to be home decorating the nursery. She worked during the
day and spent her nights with her husband studying the mix-match of colorful
gifts she had received from her baby shower and figuring what to put where and
when she'd need this, or that. She refolded the tiny baby clothes over and
over, smelling their freshness and rubbing their soft material against her
cheeks. She felt she knew how her parents must have felt as they prepared for her,
their first born. All was right with the world.
Even
though being tired is normal throughout pregnancy, every mother has this
nagging worry in the back of her head that something's not right. They voice
their concerns at the doctor's office and are assured, after being examined
that everything is progressing normally. She was no exception. Yet all her
friends seemed able to keep up with work and caring for other children while with
child and no matter what her Doctor said, she had the unnerving feeling that
she was sinking. That's the only way she could explain it.
Every day, she sank
deeper and deeper until it felt like she could no longer crawl up and away from
whatever it was that was pulling her down. It sounded silly and her fears were
unfounded, but the feeling never left her. Desperate to make sense of why she
couldn't shake this feeling, one by one she confronted and questioned her
friends about their pregnancy. She begged her mom to tell her everything she
remembered about the time she carried her three children; where she worked,
what her schedule was like, what she ate. It seemed that no one had lived with
anything even close to what she was feeling and she began to panic. She felt the
same feeling of helplessness she had felt as she drifted off into the darkness
from the blood clot and her thoughts felt like a thunderstorm in her mind,
thrashing about loudly, terrifying her. She just couldn't go on without making
sure her baby would be fine.
No
longer able to face the crazy fatigue that left her missing numerous days at
work and feeling frustrated and unsettled, she confided in her husband and he
lovingly held her and vowed to help her find a way to calm her. Everything had
been perfect with the baby at the last wellness visit but he thought they
should explore further and he figured what they found would put them both at
ease by a process of elimination, being certain every test she could take and
every exam they could give would come out normal. She loved him for being
patient and understanding with the insanity she was facing and for believing
her when she told him something just
wasn't right.
They
decided to go back to her original doctors who had medicated her blood to
eliminate the unseen blood clot and had coaxed her back to health. The primary
physician listened carefully to the apologies and self-doubt as she tried to
make light of what she was feeling and tie it into the pregnancy but he agreed
that the only way to settle her mind enough to complete her term without undue
stress was to perform follow up tests. He told her that motherhood gave her a
new, unique ability to hear her own body speaking and praised her for her
persistence. He assured her that in his heart he felt she would be perfectly
fine, but would proceed with testing right away. She felt relieved and visited
the blood lab that day.
Still
too tired to return to work, she was home when her doctor called early the next
afternoon. She had been baking and was taking the opportunity to lie down until
the timer went off and assumed it was her husband calling from work to check up
on her. She wanted to tell him how much better she felt today and how silly she
felt making all the fuss earlier and how bruised her arms were from the needles
used on her yesterday. But it was her doctor's voice she heard, a cheerful greeting and
an awkward two second hesitation. All of the details after that pause did not
matter to her. She just knew. It was a sickening, dreadful, out of place pause
and maybe she had prepared herself for it or maybe she gained insight right
then and there, but it was real and she listened to him speak as she stood
there, calmly and patiently. Her blood work was showing signs of Leukemia and
she had to come back in for further testing as soon as possible. Her baby,
however intertwined, was healthy and strong.
It
wasn't exactly shocking news because she knew something was very wrong and
surprisingly, she felt relieved and thankful that the illness was about her and
not the baby. She placed her hand on her stomach and assured her baby that
everything would be fine. How she knew, she couldn't understand, but she knew
the baby, now in its last term and kicking like a soccer player would always be
fine. She closed her eyes and asked for reassurance from God that this would be
true. The hope for her baby overpowered everything and dispersed the fear and
anxiety she felt for herself. She talked to the baby for a long time as she
sat, calmly and finally in control. All was not right with the world, but her
baby would be fine.
I cannot
even begin to imagine what Amanda was thinking on that last day, as she held
her baby to her chest. In cases like these, where an illness as grave as
leukemia is found during pregnancy, the Doctors always offer hope of a cure but
the arsenal of drugs they use would damage the baby severely. The mother is faced
with the heartless decision of whether to try to save herself or give her baby
life. No middle ground. At her funeral, the priest told us that in the end,
Amanda had come to him and told him that instead of constantly asking God why
this was happening to her and not getting an answer, perhaps she should wait
until she was with him to ask.
It was
the hardest funeral hour I have ever attended. Knowing a young mother was
forced to deliver her child two months early due to illness and unable to save
herself after that was unbearable. The child was born early, but healthy and
the mother was able to hold her and love her before she passed.
I see
the sadness in the eyes of Grandma and Grandpa as we hold and love the baby and
see I the young mother in the baby's smile. We often look up at God and
ask if she got her answer, looking for a sign. Time does not heal this kind of
wound but the poem written on the remembrance card at the wake of this
courageous young mother read:
"To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people and the
affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure
the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty;
to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy
child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier because you
lived.
This is to have succeeded."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
And despite God
calling her home, in the end, as a
mother, she was successful.
Amanda Brini
10/3/1982-2/25/2009
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